You’ll probably never read this, or if you do it’ll be a long time from now and life will have changed for all of us dramatically. There are a few things I wanted to get off my chest but you just won’t understand yet.
When me and your mum found out we were having you we were over the moon, I won’t lie to you you I was terrified. It was when we found out you were going to be a boy, the real fear started to come in. It wasn’t worrying about being a parent, it wasn’t about not knowing what to do. It was about you being proud of me. At the time I worked one shift a week in the bar and me and your mums university but I knew that wasn’t enough. My company lost the contract and a new company came in and they offered me a full time position right away. At the time I felt like I was just a catering assistant and it wasn’t enough, I was embarrassed to put my job title on your birth certificate as I felt I was at the bottom of the table. Nearly 4 years later and I’ve realised, those thoughts were silly. I’ve reached a point in my career that back then I wanted my current job on your birth certificate. But my career doesn’t matter as much as I thought it did. I look back at the last 4 years and see that you have always looked at me as I was your hero. You may have your bad days where you want your own space (no I don’t listen) but I remember you are our son, we like our own space at times. Now I think the happiest thing about your birth certificate is that I am your father.
I want you to know that when I’m busy at work and I won’t see you for days at a time, or I’ve worked so hard over the week and we have lazy weekends because daddy is exhausted. I cherish those moments as much as the time we are going to the cinema, getting food or even on an adventure. Making those memories with you and your mummy is what keeps me going and drives me through those tough weeks. One instant of this was the other week when it was hot, your door was open, I was getting ready for work at 5am and you woke up and gave me the biggest smile ever. That moment made my day and even my whole week.
I’m sorry if you’re upset and I don’t understand why, or I ever make you upset. Seeing you upset breaks my heart. That’s probably why I treat you every weekend, because I love making you smile and seeing pure happiness flow through your veins.
The thing I want to say the most is that I will always be proud of you, no matter what you do. I will always be there for you until my last breath. I want us to have a relationship like me and my dad never had and even when you’re grown up I will still love our cuddles. If I started my career all over again, it wouldn’t matter to me because I’d have you and your mummy. I may act like my job is really important but I want you to know, no matter how many promotions, pay rises, awards I get none of that will compare to the accomplishment of seeing you grow up and develop and knowing that is partially down to me.
I love you son